Variety Is The Spice Of Life
by The-Lady-Smaell
Summary: When a lab accident turns one of the housemates of Avengers Tower into a five year old Tony thinks it is the Funniest. Thing. Ever! However he along with a hesitant Bruce are about to learn that children can be very hard work and very /very/ sneaky when they want something to happen. [Rated for language and potential smut (because IDK yet). Eventual Science Boyfriends]


A/N: I blame this entirely on Trunpeteer34 whose delightful story 'Sprout' just made me want to write some de-aged goodness. Of course, being me, I couldn't just be traditional though... I had to add my own twist.

Oh and some science boyfriends because I haven't written them for a while. ^_^

Disclaimer: I literally own nothing except the word order, so suck it copyright lawyers. *Sobs loudly*

Warnings/Tags: Cracky humor, swearing, nefarious, sassy and BAMFy Pepper, someone gets turned into a kid, Bruce and Tony are the kings of oblivious, more swearing, ALL of the science, JARVIS is awesome, Bots do not make good babysitters and even more swearing.

Variety is the Spice Of Life.

Chapter One.

When asked about this entire 'situation' much, _much_ later Tony would laugh coyly and shoot a few jokes Pepper's way.

Well at least he _hoped_ he'd be able to.

Because right now the 'situation' was _fucking_ _terrifying_ him and _that_ was not something he, Tony Stark; genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist readily admitted to. Beside him an equally bewildered Bruce Banner was staring wide eyed, a look of complete and utter terror plastered across his face as he took in the figure lying on the floor before him.

The very small figure.

The _frighteningly_, impossibly small figure currently swathed in clothes at least five sizes too big.

"Uh Tony... I don't think that's good."

Honestly the physicist was the undisputed king of stating the obvious and Tony rolled his eyes.

"You think?" He retorted sharply, but without any real venom.

On the floor the small figure shifted slightly, letting out a soft moan as they stirred and both of the scientists suddenly panicked completely unsure of what they were going to do next. They stared at each other helplessly as a strawberry blonde head peeked out from the folds of expensive cloth, took a quick look around her surroundings and with her gaze landing on the two befuddled men in front of her screamed her bloody lungs out.

Both Tony and Bruce winced at the sheer pitch of the noise erupting from the small girls mouth, with the billionaire covering his (now ruptured he was certain) ears and the physicist rushing forward to try and calm the hysterical child. The young girl jumped backwards as Bruce advanced, clearly terrified at waking up in a strange place surrounded by strangers and the physicist held his hands up placatingly in a gesture of surrender.

"Pep... " The young girl looked confused at the name "...Er Virginia... I swear we're not going to hurt you."

Bruce's voice was gentle, reassuring and Tony felt himself smile, his friend was just so _damned_ good at this and he could already see Pepper, er Virginia (wouldn't that take some getting used to) starting to calm slightly. Big blue eyes glistened with unshed tears and teeth gnawed on a quivering lip and the physicist smiled softly at the young child bending down slowly to meet her eye level.

This proved to be costly.

A look stole over Virginia's face, one that Tony immediately recognized from her older counterpart and before he even had a chance to warn his friend the young Miss Potts's face had hardened and she had delivered a quick sharp kick to Bruce's shin, pelting to the other side of the lab and making a futile attempt to loosen an air conditioning panel. The billionaire couldn't help himself he burst into laughter earning himself a disgruntled glare from the other man and a bewildered look from the child.

"Oh, because that's _so_ helpful right now." Bruce shot witheringly as another snort of laughter erupted from Tony's lips.

Across the room the de-aged Pepper was still attempting to escape via air duct but was quickly coming to realise that she was trapped. Panic and an anger more pure and feral than Bruce had ever seen crossed the young face as the girl grabbed the closest wrench and began swinging wildly.

"Stay 'way or my daddy will come get you."

There was a slight rasp to Pepper's voice and the two scientists could see the adrenaline beginning to wind down, the youngster starting to slump under the heavy weight of the wrench. It was only a matter of time before the tool clattered to the floor and a weary looking Virginia darted into the nearest cupboard hiding herself from the two men.

"Well that went well." Tony commented idly, still somewhat amused at the situation.

Bruce narrowed his eyes and sighed wondering just how his friend could remain so calm considering his best friend and CEO of his company had just, somehow, been transformed into a five year old child.

"I think _well_ is the overstatement of the millennium Tony." He retorted and the billionaire just sniggered.

"Oh Brucey you have literally zero sense of humour sometimes, tell me you can't see the irony of this? Pep's always being the _grown_ _up_, the _adult_ and now she's a kid you can't honestly tell me that you don't find this the slightest bit funny or aren't the least bit fascinated to see what a spitfire Miss Potts was as an ankle biter?"

The physicist wanted to say that _no, he wasn't fascinated or amused thank you very much_, wanted to say it _so_ _badly_; but that would be a blatant lie and one Tony would be able to sniff out at a hundred paces (an uncanny ability he seemed to possess in regards to Bruce.) Even he could see the slight humour value of the situation and to say he wasn't intrigued about the science behind it would be like saying Nick Fury wasn't a lying liar that lies. However he'd rather saw off his own foot with a rusty razor than admit that to Tony, the man would be insufferable.

So instead he pinned the billionaire with a look and folded his arms across his chest in what he hoped was an authoritative manner, taking a leaf out of Pepper Potts' guide to wrangling Tony Stark and silencing him into cooperation. After few minutes though it appeared that Tony wasn't going to back down and Bruce let out a frustrated sigh as he unfolded his arms and threw up his hands in exasperation.

"Seriously Tony?"

The billionaire did nothing except flash his friend a bright slightly sardonic smile and Bruce could feel a migraine beginning to erupt, _great_, yet another thing to deal with; today was turning out to be just _peachy_.

"Sirs if I may interrupt."

JARVIS's voice rang out clearly across the lab and snapped both men's attention to the ceiling, Tony with thinly veiled anticipation and Bruce with exasperation.

"Go ahead J."

The AI seemed to hesitate as if unsure of how to word his next sentence.

"Sirs, I believe Miss Potts is reaching a high level of distress and may require assistance."

_Well fuck. _Tony cursed under his breath the physicist had a look on his face that clearly screamed 'I told you so'.

"What's going on with her?"

"Her core body temperature appears to have dropped and she is exhibiting the first stages of shock."

This time it was Bruce who swore and stalked over to the door behind which the youngster had barricaded herself. Behind it he could hear the rapid shallow breaths and knew that this was really not a good thing but there was nothing he could do with her locked in a cupboard, that meant he was going to try and have to reason with her.

"Virginia please, you need to listen to me... You're going into shock and it's dangerous, please. You need to take deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth."

There was a muted sob as the breaths slowed slightly.

"That's a good girl keep doing that..." Bruce turned his attention to Tony, eyes razor sharp "... Tony, _do_ something."

The billionaire remained silent for a moment as he wracked his brain (because it was currently doing it's best 'fucked if I know' impression) in search of an idea and then, as if plucked from the very heavens above he got a master of an idea and quickly pulled out his StarkPhone texting a furious message to JARVIS. Within seconds there was the harsh tone of a phone ringing through the lab and Bruce looked up with mild surprise on his face.

"Answer it J."

"Mr Stark." Came a gruff voice, one that the physicist didn't recognise.

"Lieutenant Potts, good to hear from you." Tony answered trying not to sound smug.

There was a squeak from behind the closed door and a barely whispered 'daddy' that made Bruce want to simultaneously kiss and punch Tony for coming up with such an idea. The girl was still clearly frightened but the apparently familiar voice (and where Tony had gotten a voice print of Pepper's father he would never know) was helping her to calm more rapidly and he supposed that could only be a good thing.

"I was just ringing to see how my Ginny was doing, I know she can be quite a handful."

The voice was somewhat stern and the physicist could hear the slight intake of breath from the child barricaded behind the door, as if she was expecting them to rat her out to her father. He had a sudden flash of memory, Betty talking about her childhood in a military household and while he was sure that Lieutenant Potts was no where near the level of General Ross, the fear of discipline and reprimand was strong in the young Pepper.

Knowing that Tony was probably about to put his foot in it big time he stepped in and spoke clearly so Pepper would hear him through the door and motioned furiously to the billionaire to Stay. Quiet.

"Everything is fine Lieutenant Potts, Virginia has been nothing but a lady." He lied, as Bruce's shin would certainly otherwise testify.

Tony looked like he wanted to burst out laughing again but remained silent at the almighty glare of death being thrown his way by his friend. He knew better than to push his luck right now. As much as he liked the Hulk, a visit from Jolly Green would _not_ be useful right now that and it would be a complete bugger to explain to the child, especially as he was pretty sure he'd be deaf after she shrieked in surprise.

Oh the _joys_.

The fraudulent lieutenant continued speaking over Tony's internal monologue.

"Well that's good to hear Doctor Banner, I appreciate you and Mr. Stark taking Ginny in on such short notice while I complete my mission."

"It's quite alright Sir." The billionaire replied in a sweet tone.

This time Bruce had to stifle a laugh, he'd never heard Tony call _anyone_ Sir in all the time that he'd known him, it was especially ironic since it was in fact his own creation that he was addressing and he was sure that the AI was laughing behind his speakers.

There were a few more pleasantries exchanged then the phone line went dead and Bruce held his breath hoping that Tony's little plan had worked. He let out a sigh of relief as the door to the cupboard slowly opened and a pale, nervous looking Pepper practically fell out shaking slightly. The physicist caught her gently and offered her what he hoped was a warm, reassuring smile which she tentatively returned as she clung on tightly to his lab coat.

"Y-you d-didn't..." Pepper's voice was weak and small.

"Of course not..." Bruce replied in a faintly incredulous voice, further strengthening the deception "You'd just woke up somewhere strange and new with people you didn't know. I can't blame you for reacting like anyone else would."

Wide blue eyes, pupils still slightly dilated stared up at Bruce brimming with trust and admiration; the sincerity of it all making Tony feel a little nauseous because _eww_ emotions.

"If Daddy trusts you then I should trust you... I'm sorry I kicked you." Pepper's voice was so tiny compared to her grown up self's it made Bruce's heart ache slightly.

"I've had worse..." The physicist said softly, smile alighting his features "So don't worry about it."

The young girl still looked a little troubled by her outburst but it was quickly forgotten as she slumped to the floor, the last of her adrenaline finally running out. Bruce caught her with deft hands holding the youngster to his chest with an odd combination of affection and discomfort on his face. The sight of them made something twist in Tony's chest, a sensation the billionaire promptly ignored because there was no way he was dealing with _that_ without copious amounts of coffee.

He just _wasn't._

"Is she... Okay?" Tony asked, eyeing Pepper dubiously.

The physicist nodded faintly still looking nightly uncomfortable holding the unconscious child in his arms.

"I think so..." His voice sounded slightly unsure " I think the shock of it all overwhelmed her a bit."

"You appear to be correct Doctor Banner..." JARVIS cut in, clearly trying to reassure them both "Miss Potts vital signs have stabilised and she appears to be slipping into a REM sleep as I speak."

Tony let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding.

"Well that's good." He muttered mostly to himself.

"Indeed Sir." JARVIS answered causing both men to jump. Tony because he hadn't thought the AI had heard him and Bruce because he hadn't heard Tony's mutterings.

"So... What now?" Tony asked a little nervously.

Bruce shrugged, the motion hindered somewhat by the child sleeping in his arms.

"I think we should take a leaf out of Pepper's book and get some sleep. We've been down here..."

"Approximately eighteen hours thirty one minutes Sirs." JARVIS chimed in with mock helpfulness.

The physicist rolled his eyes "Uh, yeah... Thanks. We've been down here a while and I think we should tackle this problem fresh, better chance of figuring out what happened."

His gaze drifted down to Pepper's peaceful, sleeping face and again Tony felt that twist in his chest, making him feel a bit like tossing his cookies. How fucking _odd_, he _really_ hoped he wasn't getting sick or something and that it was just the product of not enough sleep.

"Okay, sleep, I can do that."

—*—

A few hours later found Tony and Pepper both curled up in bed (in separate rooms obviously) and Bruce half falling off the expansive couch in main lounge of Tony's penthouse, completely relaxed and snoring softly. The physicist had wanted to stay close by in case he'd been needed and had blushed and stammered when Tony had suggested them sharing a bed with a coy cock of his eyebrow.

JARVIS felt himself smile, well as much as an AI could smile.

He watched people, watched them every second they were within the tower and while most humans would find the task tedious and boring, the AI relished it; enjoyed it almost. He found it fascinating to see the different facets of humanity, to see composure and strength mixed with destruction and weakness, to see joy and despair mingled together in an moment of insight.

It was compelling to watch and none more so than with the trio below him.

Through them JARVIS had seen the very best and the very worst humanity had to offer and it made the AI all the more protective of them.

The current situation was strange certainly but not so much that it had caught the AI off guard. Indeed the life of Tony Stark had become an ode to the strange and bizarre ever since he returned from captivity and JARVIS was hard pressed to say that he didn't prefer it that way. This alteration of his creator's life path had stabilized him for the better, even if it occasionally meant that Tony and indeed JARVIS himself had to deal with things that defied the laws of science and nature. This situation being a prime example.

But for now there was peace and JARVIS intended to keep it that way for as long as possible, Sir and Doctor Banner could restore Miss Potts to her true formafter they were well rested.

There was no rush.

*End Chapter One*

A/N: Okay so what do you think? I have a vague idea *Waves hands in a wibbly-wobbly fashion* where I'm going with this and it isn't going to be amazingly long but I'd appreciate feedback.


End file.
